Like many parents, I once thought teenage drinking was a rite of passage. I had done it myself. But after the troubles my eldest daughter had with alcohol (before age 21), I now see it much differently. Her high school years were something of a nightmare.
The first time we caught her drunk was after a high school football game when she was a freshman. We chalked it up as “high jinks” and told her that it was OK, we had all done it, but not to do it again. She was a straight A student—definitely not a bad girl—who was very reliable, responsible and helpful around the house. I trusted my daughter, and if she said she was going to a friend’s house, I believed her. Yet, over the course of high school, we caught her drunk enough times to realize that this was what “hanging out with friends” meant.
We would ground her. Then she started ditching classes but still managed to pull A’s in class. We took away all her money, but still she managed to find alcohol. We gave her a curfew, but if we said 10 p.m., the following week she would ask for 10:30 p.m. She fought every week until (I’m embarrassed to say) by the time she left high school, she had a 1 a.m. curfew. You see, the later her curfew, the more likely we would be asleep when she came home drunk.
At one point, my husband and I sat her down and told her we were really worried about her. Things were happening in her life that were just too much for a teenager to handle, like the 19-year-old friend who overdosed on pills at drinking party and died. (My daughter told me later that if she had been sober, she would have said something, but they were all drunk and the pills didn’t seem like such a big deal.) She promised the drinking was over. I believed her; or rather, I wanted to believe her.
By this time, I was just about desperate. I wanted to help her but did not know how. I asked God to give me the tools to help her. I do not think I have ever prayed as hard for anything in my life. My prayers were answered one Saturday evening when she was arrested for extreme DUI. It was a blessing in disguise.
I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I had made regular donations to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and yet, here I was—the mother of a drunk driver. I spent $6,000 on a lawyer for her. Underage drinking was not just one charge, but four: underage drunk driving, drunk driving, extreme drunk driving and drunk in charge of a vehicle. Each offense carries its own penalty and, if convicted, can result in the loss of a drivers license until their 21st birthday.
The blessing was that, at this point, my daughter actually came clean and answered every question I put to her. I had another two daughters coming into their teenage years and I could not afford to make the same mistake again.
I have since made it clear to my other daughters that drinking is not a “rite of passage.” It will lead to them being grounded for one month. When my second daughter entered high school and started asking to go out, I called other parents to double check what was really happening. I took her everywhere and I picked her up everywhere. No friends were allowed to pick her up and drop her off. I discussed it with some other parents and we all agreed that if the kids were going to a party, we would call the other parents to make sure an adult would be home.
My other daughters now know that if I find out that they have been drinking, there are consequences. They know I will not allow it. I now know that we, as parents, really do have much more influence that we think. When my third daughter turned 16, we had a chaperoned party at my house. The kids had a great night. They played video games Guitar Hero and Singstar, and they had an absolute blast (I had a headache). Your kids can have fun without alcohol, and it is up to the parents to make sure they do.
--Una, Peoria